Tips for Single Parents

Important things to consider:

• Character
  When introducing parents, a person's character can tell you a lot about how harmonious the relationship can be. You should not only be concerned with the person's honesty and moral character. You should also see if you have similar interests, pleasant views and opinions, and consistency in pleasant conversation. Do you think your characters would be a good couple? When introducing one parent, the children should be the center of your attention. Do you think your children will get along well with them? Do you think your parenting styles might conflict with each other? You know better than anyone what kind of people you would like to see in your child's life…
• Healthy Relationships
  Another important thing to consider when introducing parents is a healthy relationship. This could be with family members, bosses, and terrible exes. Their most important relationship as a single parent is the connection with their children. How do you feel that their children look up to them and vice versa? Single parent families can have different dynamics, although that doesn’t change where respect should lie and how they interact with each other. Pay special attention to how he or she treats loved ones.
• Easy to be around
  Do you feel at ease spending time with them? Does the person have a hard time compromising? Do they have a tendency to rant, whine, and complain? Do you have fun together? Are you physically attracted to each other? These are all questions you should consider when dating.
• Kids
  Dating for single parents has many factors to consider, including for the little ones. Observe how he or she interacts with your children – Do they show interest or do they annoy you, the kids? You are both single parents, so you will have your own expectations of how they should behave, just make sure you agree or it could cause problems down the road.
• Kindness
  Never underestimate the importance of how someone else treats you, as this is what will be the foundation of the relationship going forward. Do they surprise you with little treats? Do they compliment you? Do they genuinely enjoy being around you? If you feel bad in his or her presence, then that should be a red flag. But remember, it works both ways on parenting dates.

1. Understand that you're not just forming a relationship; you're creating a family. When there are children, a couple's relationship inherently creates competing loyalties. Choosing to be with a dating partner or with children usually means the other is left waiting... and wondering how their relationship with you is being affected by your relationship with someone else.
   It's also common for children to feel some insecurity about their mom or dad's relationship with another person. Wise singles recognize this important dynamic and don't assume that becoming a couple necessarily means they can become a family. They pay attention to both and take their time assessing how a potential stepfamily relationship is developing.
2. Avoid Jumping the gun. Parents who quickly start dating after a breakup (due to death or divorce) or who quickly decide to marry after a short period of dating often find that their children are more resistant to marriage. This sabotages the stepparent's ability to bond with each other and puts the family at risk.
3. Healthy dating begins with self-reflection. Smart singles take a long look in the mirror before dating. They examine their dating motives, fears (like their children's fatherlessness), loneliness, and unresolved pain (like divorce). How do you know when you're ready to date? When you don't have to.
4. Engage in "What if?" conversations. Even before dating, single parents begin a series of conversations with their children in which they ask, "What if I started dating? How would you feel?" They have this conversation over and over again: “What if Maria and I started dating regularly?” “What if Sergey’s kids came over every Friday all summer?” “What if she and I got married?”
   Each conversation is both an assessment (How do my kids feel about these possibilities and realities?) and an intervention, as it prepares them for what might happen. Smart single parents don’t let their kids’ emotions dictate their relationship, but they do listen carefully and are sensitive to how their kids are feeling (whether you become a couple is up to you; whether you become a family is up to them). Engage in these conversations throughout your dating life, especially as you approach each relationship milestone.
5. Make gentle invitations to older children. Teens and adult children should move toward a dating partner at their own pace. If you make it your goal to get them to accept your partner and the relationship, you may be shooting yourself in the foot.
   Instead, give them opportunities to get to know each other, but don't force them. Gentle invitations like, "Michael is having dinner with me on Saturday. You're welcome to join us if you'd like." Be respectful and allow the relationship to develop at its own pace.
6. Acknowledge and Label Children's Fears. Children of all ages, young and old, benefit when a parent says, "I can see that the thought of me dating scares you. You miss your mom/our family/etc. and probably don't want any more changes in our family. I understand. I appreciate you being honest with me.”
   Use phrases like “that scares you,” “you’re afraid our family will never be the same,” or “you don’t want to change schools or leave your friends.” This type of response validates your child’s fears. It also shows them that their feelings matter to you, keeps the door open for communication, and helps children label their emotions (which is very important, especially for young children).
7. Keep the pace and balance of your dating life. If you’ve fallen in love, don’t abandon your children by spending all your free time with your newfound love. It’s tempting, but it taps into your child’s fears of losing you and gives your partner the false impression that you are completely available to them. You are not. Don’t lose your balance.
8. Organize "meet the kids" times carefully. Your kids can meet your boyfriend at a young age, but the first few dates should be primarily about the two of you. Call your date a "friend" at first, or if your kids are ready, call it a "date." Casual introductions are fine when you first start dating someone, but don't pre-establish your kids and the person until you're sure there's a real possibility for a relationship. This is especially true for children under the age of five, who may become attached to whoever you're dating faster than you can.
   As your interest in the person grows, gradually try to find times for your significant other and your kids to get together. Proceed cautiously at first, and continue to monitor and process any fears or concerns each person may have. If the other person also has children, it might be wise to schedule early playdates with just one group of kids.
   You might, for example, do something with a friend and their kids one weekend, then invite the friend to join you and your kids the next. Navigating multiple new relationships can be overwhelming. It might be helpful to break up the two households at first. Eventually, if your dating relationship continues to deepen, you'll want to get everyone together for a shared activity.
9. Expect a warm/cold reaction. Being in love with a parent's dating partner sometimes creates a loyalty issue for the kids: They don't know how to embrace everyone without hurting their feelings (especially the other biological parent). Because they're caught in a loyalty conflict, kids will sometimes be nice to the person you're dating, then turn cold. Sometimes they'll swing back and forth. Don't panic or judge the kids too harshly. Confusion comes with the territory. Relax and work with what you're given.
10. Formulate Your Silhouette. Since you can't judge long-term love based on physical characteristics or initial biochemical attractions, you need to objectively measure the qualities, attributes, and character of the person you're looking for. But you also need - and this is where single parents fail - a silhouette of the kind of family you hope to create. If the person you're dating isn't good parenting material (for your or their children, for example), you should move on. Yes, if you don't like the fit between the person you're dating and your children, that's a deal breaker, even if you love him or her as a partner.
11. Learn as much as you can about life in joint families from psychologists. You may know how to drive, but driving in snow and ice requires a different knowledge and skill set. Almost all blended families have to deal with inclement weather while driving (especially in the first few years), so take a learner's stance.

Good Luck and Love to You!